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Tim Cook is Gay! Apple Stock Crumbles!

Written By Jason Stutman

Posted October 30, 2014

Breaking News:

Apple CEO Tim Cook came out as gay on Thursday.

The company’s stock (NASDAQ:AAPL) has crumbled, falling as much as 46% on the announcement.

Analysts are citing “decreased public confidence” and “negative brand association” for the sell off.

Several activist groups have called for an immediate boycott of Apple iPhones while retailers including Target, Walmart, and even fellow tech giant Amazon have vowed to clear their shelves of Apple products.

“We just can’t stand by and support that kind of lifestyle,” Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos said in an official press release this evening. “We will not allow homosexuality to profiteer over our society.”

Bill Gates later tweeted:


To which Elon Musk chimed in:


Of course, none of this actually happened, because a) the market doesn’t care, and b) sexual preference has nothing to do with one’s ability to do anything (running a company included).

Until next time,

  JS Sig

Jason Stutman

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