My first car was a Lincoln Continental.
Correction. The first car I ever bought was a Lincoln Continental. I got it from my Uncle Jean for about $2,000.
He couldn’t get rid of it fast enough and return to his beloved Saabs.
I was made fun of like crazy for having it by all the rich kids who’s parents bought them new sports cars.
There was one guy Mitch who had a 3000 GT VR4. All wheel drive. Twin turbo. Everyone wanted to be seen in Mitch’s car… but come time for a road trip, everyone wanted to ride in mine.
All comfort, baby.
If you haven’t been in a 90s Continental, you’re missing out on some of the softest leather God’s green earth had to offer. I can still smell it now. Still hear that sound of the seat sinking as I’d enter. It was like whipped butter.
Now, I’ve been in other cars since. Luxury cars like the Mercedes S-Class, Audi S8, and the BMW 7 series. I’ve ridden in Porsche 911s, Corvettes, and my own tricked out eclipse (call it a mid-life crisis). But nothing compares to the seats and hydraulic suspension system of that Lincoln. A suspension system that – when tapped at the right frequency – made the car bounce up and down like a shiny silver Impala in a rap video.
Reliability, sex appeal, gas mileage, power, and handling were entirely other matters…
As much as I loved the beast, it was a lemon.
I think it died right around 160,000 miles. Not before visiting the shop every third month for a new set of wheel bearings here, a busted head gasket there, and a radiator replacement two or three times.
I hated to do it. But it got to the point where I could be driving a new car for the money in repairs I spent every month.
It was time to put the Lincoln and her soft as Barry White seats to bed in exchange for a ride with working seat belts, airbags, and – most importantly – a warranty.
I still look back fondly on that car, even today. I’m getting misty thinking about it. And yes, even though it was meant for senior citizens.
So when I read that Ford (NYSE: F) was revamping the Continental, a glimmer of hope hit my eyes.
… Until I saw pictures.
My first thought was this car is suffering from an identity crisis greater than Rand Paul. I half want to love it. Go out and get one. But I fear it might just be a mullet.
Party on the inside, yuppie-business on the out.
My excitement faded with each passing picture. And I wondered who the hell were they marketing this to?!
The seats look like they’re out of the Fast N Furious. But the people in the back, they get a tray table?! Like from Delta Airlines?!
The body style looks like a 7 series and a Chrysler 300 hooked up one drunken night and used “the rhythm method”.
I only hope the engine takes after its German father. But that would be asking for too much from a company that hasn’t made a solid auto since the ’71 Le Mans.
… I still want one, but I fear I’d have to gut all the moving parts like a police cruiser.
This doesn’t look like it’s made for the elderly anymore. And definitely not for the 20 somethings, either though. And you wouldn’t want to risk your newborn puking all over the place, if you decide to have a little fun and take the back roads home.
Maybe it’s for the entry-level lawyer who isn’t high enough on rank for a Benz?
Digging a little deeper, I found that along with this “unveiling” that Ford’s also expecting this car to help triple the stagnant Continental’s sales from previous years… thanks to… China.
Apparently, Ford has full faith and confidence that this massive sedan will be a huge success in a nation that forbids large families and has higher gas prices than California in 2008.
Brilliant.
Perhaps before they swing for the fences on their next car, they should consult Dr Phil to make sure Ford understands the market it’s aiming to penetrate instead of adding a little “something for everyone” like a warehouse orgy.
Sorry. No images allowed for that one. 😉
It has potential to be great. We’ll see.
In the mean time, I’m going to keep my eye on this ride for when the production model is finally available for a test drive. Out of sentimental reasons, I may find myself still wanting one.
… even if it is a lemonberry.
